Written by: J.H. Longman
In all my years of gaming, I have never known a gaming series that has been able to successfully get under my skin with every installment that I’ve played. When I was young much younger than I am now, I’ll be honest, there were quite a few games that made me want to leap up and turn the Nintendo off. There was no way I was going to let my siblings slay me one more time in Turok, Smash or Wave Race.
But then there was Mario Kart 64, my true nemesis. No matter how much I played it, all the practice in the world meant nothing because every friendly race with my siblings would end the same way, me going into a Major Rager, hulking out as a few curse words would pass lips and I’d have full blown temper tantrums. The only thing that stopped me putting the remote through the TV was the desire to keep playing and poor aim on the times I did actually throw it. TV’s were much smaller then, wouldn’t have that problem now and as much as I would love to think that I have matured, evolved, I haven’t.
Mario Kart still successfully makes me see red and want to destroy everything, but the hissy fits Mario Kart Wii put me into, is nothing compared to Mario Kart 8. It’s a good thing there is such a thing as online play because trust me, you wouldn’t want to be seated next to me when I am effing and blinding and about ready to start throwing my weight around. If that’s not enough of a picture painted for you, how’s this, imagine that loud mouth rowdy drunk at the bar who wants to take everyone on, that’s me after the fifth blue shell. Hell that’s me after the second blue shell. I’m like Samuel L Jackson from Snakes on a Plane. “I’ve had it with these mother effing babies with their mother effing shells!” But the good news is, I’m not the only one who gets like this. (Yeah that means I’m normal!)
Turns out quite a number of people act out the way I do, including my brother who just years previously, would scold me for my unsporting behaviour, but now he knows the true struggle I have faced all these years. I don’t mean to be a terrible gamer, especially when Kart is involved, it’s just the game is great at bring that side out on people. As Road Rage effect those stuck in traffic and out on the road, Mario Kart Rage is waiting for you in your very household just as soon as you put the disc in and are good to go. Before it used to be Monopoly that was the game that destroyed families, but move over Monopoly because Mario Kart wishes to steal your crown but at least you know now that you are not alone. When your partner is stood opposite, wondering what sort of rage monster they are with, just know there are others suffering your plight, whose relationship is almost as doomed as yours and that there is a support group just waiting to accept you with open arms. Make sure you join your local MKRA today!
Now because I’m no Doctor, I can’t just go out and officially declare such an ailment, so I’ll leave that to a Doctor we all know who is great at battling viruses, Doctor Mario to do such a thing with me. Join me next week when Doctors Mario and Luigi join me on the couch for an interview, where we will talk about Mario Kart Rage and so much more, including his move into the pop world and I suppose Luigi can have a word or two here and there, when we’re not also talking about their latest joined adventure.
See you next week and until then, try not to kill your partner when playing MK8 together, or shelling me when I’m online, you won’t like me when I’m angry.