Written by: J.H. Longman
I said in a previous article that I would get Doctors Mario and Luigi join me on the couch this week for an interview and sure enough they did. Nintendo tried to keep them safe from me having learned of my plans, but my inside man soon shared the location of their safe house with me, so with my guests bound and gagged, I managed to get them to my secret hide-out, where as well as answering my questions, they will also be forced to play and take part in my evil games, including Mario Kart 8, Mario Party 10 and just for you Doctor Mario, I’ve made a devilishly good level on Super Mario Maker.
Now in hindsight, I should kidnapped American actor Charles Martinet, the man who is the voice behind both Mario Bros, so instead of actually being able to answer me, I’ve given them some paper to write on instead, so without further ado, let’s get started shall we?
Me: “Doctors Mario & Luigi, thank you for being here to answer my question, especially when it means I can get official confirmation of the existence of Mario Kart Road Rage.”
Dr Mario: “If I say yes will you let us go?”
Me: “I’ll think about it, but if you keep asking, I might have to send Weegie back in mushroom-sized pieces.”
Dr Luigi: “Please a don’t let the bad man harm me!”
Me: “Oh come on guys, you know I’m only joking, so why don’t I cut those bindings for you and get you a drink. Then we can really begin.”
Typical elevator waiting music.
Me: “Well now that we’re properly hydrated and now ‘friends’ I really want to get your videogame medical professional so let’s talk about Mario Kart Road Rage?”
Dr Mario: “What is there to talk about, of course it exists. Have you not seen my youtube video where it is shown how I take racing seriously? How I take everything seriously.”
Me: “You’re talking about the one where Kratos comes along and…”
Dr Mario: “Steals first place, yes I am, so while I’m here, Screw you Kratos! But of course MKRR exists. It has done since the very first game and gets worse with every installment. Just look at poor Luigi. Why else do you think his eyes are like that? The evil death stare he has. It is the result of suffering from a lifetime of MKRR.”
Dr Luigi: “Weegie don’t mean to be so angry, but blue shell, mamma mia! Weegie just want to cry and kill. Eat banana DK.”
Me: “Ok, I don’t even know how to respond to that.”
Dr Mario: “It’s a better if you don’t. MKRR is a terrible subject for poor Luigi. It has put a terrible strain on his relationship with Daisy. It’s a put a strain on all of our relationships. Mario Kart Road Rage is a fate worse than the end level of Super Mario 3D world. Has us all raging and hating and swearing. Serious action must be taking to overcome this devilry, which is why I aim to use my Doctor title and open a rehab center to help all those suffering from the plight of MKRR. Brother Luigi will be the first patient.”
Dr Luigi: “That’s another thing, why has it gotta be Mario Kart Road Rage? Why Not Weegie Rage? Mario, Mario, Mario, always a Mario!”
Me: “Maybe I should have kept Luigi restrained, but at least you confirmed this fact for me, now many of us can feel a lot better about ourselves as we now know it is not us who is the monster, but merely what becomes of us when playing. That it is your fault for giving us game after game that half of us aren’t mature and calm enough to play. But a rehab center, it’s great news but you make it sound like Luigi is patient Zero.”
Dr Mario: “That’s a because he is, but please, let us talk about something else? Before Weegie kills us both. ”
Me: “I suppose we could discuss Dr Mario Miracle Cure in a moment, but first I just have to know, how do you do it Mario. How did you go from being a carpenter then a plumber? How do just keep changing jobs and being ace at all of them?”
Dr Mario: “Simple, it’s in my programming. The powers that be say I be a plumber, I be a plumber. They say kart driver, I become kart driver and win many a trophy.”
Me: “Which I’ll assumed also includes being a brawler, a tennis player, golfer, all-rounded athlete in the Olympic games and even a popstar. I’ve seen your Doctor Mario Song. You can’t tell me Nintendo was responsible for that step?”
Dr Mario: “That’s cus they wasn’t. A very talented artist was, but please, time is dragging on and Luigi is frothing in the mouth a little. Best we start making it about him.”
Me: “If we have to. So Doctor Mario Miracle Cure, it’s the instalment in the series and is the second time we get to see Doctor Luigi join the fray, after he debuted in his game, Doctor Luigi, with Operation L. So in your own words, what would you say is different about this game compared to the others besides the fact Luigi had swapped out his hat.”
Dr Mario: “Well it is the first time my brother joins me in the art of destroying viruses as and instead of having just Dr Mario, the standard series gameplay, we also have Virus Buster and Operation L makes a return. There is even a multiplayer mode for local play and online, making it more Dr Mario fun for everyone, but for me, the real fun was just working with Luigi again.”
Dr Luigi: “Weegie hates Mario. Weegie hates Mario!”
Me: “That’s nice, after all these years, with everything that’s gone on and your differences, you still enjoy each others company!”
Dr Mario: “He is a my brother!”
Dr Luigi: “Weegie hates Mario!”
Me: “Hey come back here! We’re not finished! Okay, I guess we are.”
So Luigi just kidnapped Mario, pretty sure that’s a new one, Mr L never went that far, but that’s brothers for you, complicated and hilarious. (Good thing I didn’t mention Super Mario Maker and started High praising it, could you have imagined Luigi’s reaction then?) But unfortunately it does mean my interview was cut short a lot sooner than I hoped and we had so much more to discuss. Guess it will just have to wait until next time, but hey at least we know now that Mario Kart Road Rage is in fact a thing and that apparently Luigi has had it all these years.
Well it time to leave you with a farewell quote, or a little ditty from Doctor Mario himself and of course footage of Mario reeling from MKRR. Let’s go with both.
Until next time, Keep up the good fight and Keep on Gaming!